Silent Hill Homecoming Playing Cards ()

This set is a goddamn mess. A picture of the cards can be found below the cut, as they contain spoilers for the game. If you've played it, go down there and have a look before reading on. "Neg, you're only showing half of the cards!" Yeah, because the red suits are both the same, and so are the black suits. Lazy. Would anyone care to explain to me why only three of the bosses are present, and they aren't all on the aces? Why are two of the parents missing? Why is there a hammer? Why is that not Alex's combat knife or the Ceremonial Dagger? Where's my boy, Curtis? You think his circular saw is enough? You're wrong.

This is an insanely sloppy offering and the only reason I own it is because I like cards and I'm a fanboy. Also, because Silent Hill merch usually amounts to $300 (before shipping) statues with shitty face sculpts. Thanks Konami.

The 1 Boss You Omitted is My Favorite. GJGJ. out of 5

Kobalt 36" Hexagonal Wrecking Bar ()

Unlike the other items in my Silent Hill collection, this one is very real. That works in my head, given Alex's status as the most combat oriented protagonist in the series. I'm very used to scaled-down weapons, to the point that when I see props in actors' bare hands, it feels intensely alien to me. Undeniably awesome, but still alien. Consequently, it's pretty trippy to hold this. The weight is intense and the metal makes minute sounds when my fingers leave its surface. The kind of thing that has to be added in post, because it's waaaaay too quiet to capture on a microphone. I know the color of the one in-game is debatable at the very best, and entirely capable of making this one completely incorrect, at worst. It's all cool, mang.

I'd love to have an accurate Ceremonial Dagger, but that'd require hitting up a professional customizer, or more likely a straight-up prop maker. I'm good.

2019 Update: There's a Spirit Crowbar out there, this year. It's MUCH smaller than this one, though also much safer and cheaper. I can imagine it being an appealing proposition for many. I do think that if you're an adult and a huge Alex fan, this is still the way to go.

5 Proficient Porcelain Pryers out of 5

Why was this a 3, for years? I didn't say a single negative thing about it. I have problems.

Spirit Horror Double Axe (2014)

It's not at all a perfect replica, and the fire axe is a more apropos choice for Murphy, I fully admit. Yet, it was there in front of me, and I was taken with it. I could stand to bring it closer to form with some electrical tape, and I just might, at some point. I'll always respect the developers for not simply throwing a one-time use breakable weapon into the game as a pre-order bonus. No, the codes were leaked and result in your chosen pair of weapons being consistently strewn about town. Your decision lives in your game's meta-data until you delete it entirely, on the chance that you want to experience another of the three available sets. Good show! Back to the business at hand: as with the black detailing on Travis's hammer, the level of blood splatter and smudging varies WIDELY on these, and I consequently suggest even more strongly that you examine them in-store. The handle on this one has the least amount of coverage of any I've seen over the years.

The codes, other secrets, and spoilers can be found here.

3 Coattail Riding Nailguns out of 5

Spirit Foam Sledge Hammer ()

We might as well continue on today by rounding out the protagonists of Silent Hill's central storyline with a weapon for Travis Grady. This fine fine hammer is reminiscent of the ones found about town in Origins, even if it's the type designed to be used with one hand. It looks properly scaled at a glance (when not next to size references...) and takes up less room than a long-handled one would command. It's pretty awesome that way. It's also a sturdy core (metal rods perhaps?) covered by painted foam, and while I know that's very likely to degrade over time, it's absolutely perfect given that Travis's do the same! As with all of the prop weapons I'll be covering that originate from Spirit Halloween, the level of wash and paint detail will vary from piece to piece. If that aspect of the detailing is critically important to you, I recommend choosing one in-person, instead of ordering from their website.

3½ Stairwell Armories out of 5

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles:Leonardo('s) Katana (2015)

As with the Light Saber already in my Silent Hill collection, I care not for the actual origins of this piece. I was bought plenty of 'Turtle' toys as a child, but I've never had a real connection to the characters, emotional or otherwise. This is all orgasmically fitting, given that this is my weapon choice for Harry Mason, Heather's father. You know, that foul-mouthed, Beam Saber-wielding girl in the running for greatest character ever? I'm super pleased with this katana. There's a number of variants out there, Halloween props and otherwise. This one can be found at Party City, yes, but some of the tooling is actually toy-aisle worthy! The blade isn't bent, that's just how it's sculpted, as it's rather thick. It's costume accessory quality, but definitely at the high-end of that range. The hilt is what resides in Toy Town, as it's held together with screws! I know, I know, Hollywood-style square guard, but I'm not going to be rolling over it in the shadows. It's resting next to the Light Saber (in the same manner as my Spin Sword was stored, actually) and that's all it needs to do.

The price is overly steep, but at the time I thought it was completing my collection,  so I accepted it. Yes, this is a 2017 Update and they are still just as expensive. I'd honestly say pass, at this point, unless you specifically want it for its intended purpose. Otherwise, get this!

3½ Good, Then Bad (Or Was It The Other Way Around...) Endings out of 5